Yes I am really a man in his sixties, but I've had some work done.

So I have two bosses, the president of the company I work for and the owner, both of whom consider me their personal office wench.

Aside from the Gift shopping and important Holiday/Birthday reminders I take care of for President so his wife doesn't think he's useless he is pretty self-sufficient. Owner man on the other hand can't even make his own Dr. appts. I sign his name more then he does and sometimes if I'm lucky enough I even forget and sub his SSN for mine when talking to bill collectors. (They probably think I'm a con artist with a bad memory "phst, bitch can't even remember who shes pretending to be")

I've had a couple interesting situations with Owner Man, such as divorcing his crazy ex-wife who now lives with him (She answered the door at his house two days ago, she was three pounds into the eyeliner she was applying on the right side of her face only.)

Now the other day he (and by he I mean I) received a notice from a collection agency saying he owed like 93 bucks to a cell phone company. This would be literally pocket change to the man but he still made a huge deal out of it saying he never had a such and such cell phone and they were obviously trying to ass rape him with their financial trickery. Seeing as how I've been taking care of the man for a couple years now and I know his cell phone is set up and paid through the company I believe him (not suggested in any situation).

The solution to this would of course be to call said collection agency, but they won't just talk to anyone, they want the account holder. Luckily Owner man has one of those names that go both ways and in fact leans more towards to feminine side of the gender bar so pretending to be him works out. I'm used to this by now, in fact I'm pretty sure half the world thinks hes a chick by now. Funny thing though I get through the 'I'm not really a man' thingy with no issues, but when they ask me to verify my birthday and I say 1947 instead of my actual late eighties time frame they pause/stutter/and are convinced I'm trying to scam them (rightfully so).

So I call said collection agency and pretend to be Owner man. Of course I do the shake-it-out routine first followed by a joggy run in place and multiple dialog warm up before I call. Once I am prepared *totally pissed due to their trying to ass rape me and all* I make the call.

Collections rep guy: thank you for calling so and so, can I have the account number listed under your name on your statement please? (the general good mood-jude attitude of this guy, makes my character even more pissed, I mean really hes so happy about the coming bum rape session!.)

Me: Yea sure its blank blank blank blankity blank blank, I received this notice *sneery voice* in the mail today saying I owe you 93 dollars on behalf of your client such and such. I do not and never had any kind of service from such and such. I would like you to fix this. *foot tapping* (although the rep guy cannot see the foot tapping it is a good creative exercise, go ahead I give you permission give it a try next time you do this, I mean you guys do do this sort of thing right?! *nervous smile* Its totally normal and not illegal right?!)

Collections rep guy: Well Ms. Owner man according to these records you owe such and such 74 dollars and there is of course the 19 dollar collection fee from our company.

Me: Well as I have previously stated *long pause to make him know I think hes stupid for making me repeat it* I do not and never had service through such and such, The company I own *totally puffing up my pretend ego and making him know I mean busy-ness* provides my cell phone so I would have no reason to pay for one.

Collections rep guy: Well Ms. Owner man we could send you an itemized statement by post for you to look over and if you still believe it is incorrect you can contact us and dispute the charges.

Me: It. Is. Not. Me. dammit.

*Silence* (I imagine he has the mute button on his mic turned on and is calling me multiple names, at least I would be)

Me: Do you think you could be helpful and at least tell me some information from the account.
Collections rep guy: The account was opened in 1995 and the last payment was made on April 6th 2001.

*long pause* (my brain hamster starts running on his wheel and I realize the Owner man probably forgot, you know with him being ancient and his brain being the consistency of cream of wheat ((don't you totally love that stuff, Delicious)) and all.)

Me: hmmm, well it may have been mine you better send me that Itemized statement.

Collection Rep Guy: Ummm, OK I will get that out in the mail to you *sounding a little unsure of my sanity*

Me: Oh you know how it is, my memory seems to be going the older I get, you know us old women.

Collections Rep Guy: Well you sound really young Ms. Owner man.

Me: Thank you I’ve had some work done.

Collections Rep Guy: *clearing throat* Ummmm, so yea I’ll get that statement sent out right away.



And there is my creative exercise for today!

*In case there is any confusion I am not in actuality a man in his sixties *sticks hand down her pants* yea, thats definatly a Vadge (could somone check the spelling on that)



~*~Toodles~*~