I have created a tourniquet around my emotions!
The Husbinator and I have had our share of issues in the past. I like to think I am not one to hold on to things, but I might be. I can't tell if I am still holding onto things that happened in the past or if I actually changed myself because of them. My best guess would be that I changed myself because I don't actually think about being uncaring or distant it just happens.
The Husbinator has always had trouble showing the affections and emotions I wanted to be presented with. I think I finally gave up wanting him to be more romantic and just stooped to his lack of romance/sympathy level myself.
He texted me today, he thought he had a kidney stone. I suggested he go to the doctor because he says he has them A LOT. Apparently this was not the wifely thing to say, I should have been all...."Oh my poor baby, let me coodle you and make it better. My wittle snoooky pooo tell me where it hurts". I was at work, this was through a text. Now I'm not supportive enough. Regardless of what it is that ails him, colds, body aches, kidney stones, I, according to him act like I don't care.
Now I whole heartedly believe that I should treat him how I want to be treated. But, I just can't do it. I keep thinking about how he treats me. It doesn't matter if I'm sick, life goes on. He acts like he doesn't notice.
But the thing that is STUCK IN MY BRAIN BOX, and making it so fucking hard to be nice is this:
Flashback to May:
The Babynator is one month old. I am dying (Having a gallbladder attack), the Husbinator is mad at me because I didn't go to Urgent Care and get painkillers earlier (When I didn't have any symptoms, he doesn't see the issue with walking in a Urgent Care clinic and saying "hey, I get pains sometimes. No, I don't have them now, give me some narcotics anyway". So my sister-in-law comes and takes me to the ER, I spend 5 hours there. Right before they discharge me at 5am they give me morphine (protocol even though the attack is over and I feel fine) I go home. Lay down, and less then an hour later Babynator is up. I ask the Husbinator if he can take care of him while I sleep. NO, that's what he said. In a much nastier tone with a few other choice words. I cried, he got up, we fought. I didn't help the situation, I'm sure. I was high on Morphine for Christ's sake.
Its shit like that, that has ruined me. Sometimes I think I should be alone. There isn't anyone making me want to leave or anything like that. I just don't know what to do. I'm sure if I was alone I would miss the Husbinator........wouldn't I?
