A Life For Rent . . .

Tourniquet

2011-12-13T15:14:00.002-06:00

I have created a tourniquet around my emotions!

The Husbinator and I have had our share of issues in the past. I like to think I am not one to hold on to things, but I might be. I can't tell if I am still holding onto things that happened in the past or if I actually changed myself because of them. My best guess would be that I changed myself because I don't actually think about being uncaring or distant it just happens.

The Husbinator has always had trouble showing the affections and emotions I wanted to be presented with. I think I finally gave up wanting him to be more romantic and just stooped to his lack of romance/sympathy level myself.

He texted me today, he thought he had a kidney stone. I suggested he go to the doctor because he says he has them A LOT. Apparently this was not the wifely thing to say, I should have been all...."Oh my poor baby, let me coodle you and make it better. My wittle snoooky pooo tell me where it hurts". I was at work, this was through a text. Now I'm not supportive enough. Regardless of what it is that ails him, colds, body aches, kidney stones, I, according to him act like I don't care.

Now I whole heartedly believe that I should treat him how I want to be treated. But, I just can't do it. I keep thinking about how he treats me. It doesn't matter if I'm sick, life goes on. He acts like he doesn't notice.

But the thing that is STUCK IN MY BRAIN BOX, and making it so fucking hard to be nice is this:

Flashback to May:

The Babynator is one month old. I am dying (Having a gallbladder attack), the Husbinator is mad at me because I didn't go to Urgent Care and get painkillers earlier (When I didn't have any symptoms, he doesn't see the issue with walking in a Urgent Care clinic and saying "hey, I get pains sometimes. No, I don't have them now, give me some narcotics anyway". So my sister-in-law comes and takes me to the ER, I spend 5 hours there. Right before they discharge me at 5am they give me morphine (protocol even though the attack is over and I feel fine) I go home. Lay down, and less then an hour later Babynator is up. I ask the Husbinator if he can take care of him while I sleep. NO, that's what he said. In a much nastier tone with a few other choice words. I cried, he got up, we fought. I didn't help the situation, I'm sure. I was high on Morphine for Christ's sake.

Its shit like that, that has ruined me. Sometimes I think I should be alone. There isn't anyone making me want to leave or anything like that. I just don't know what to do. I'm sure if I was alone I would miss the Husbinator........wouldn't I?

My Brand of Heroin.....verses my brothers brand

2011-12-13T14:51:00.003-06:00

Hello there invisible blogger friendlies *waving*, you are there right? *sigh*

So yea........

The Twilight marathon was ok. Don't get me wrong Breaking Dawn was awesome, the best one yet by far. My ass just kept falling asleep during the other five-thousand hours of the Twilight. Now to make my nerd-o-meter go up a LOT, I've currently seen Breaking Dawn Pt. 1 three, yes you heard me right, three times. Once with my Heroin addicted brother and his thriteen year old daughter.

Oh, I'm sorry did I not tell you that my parentals decided to bring my drug ridden brother to my house for Thanksgiving. It was eventful, such as the time he open my car door while I was doing SIXTY then proceeded to jump out when I slammed on the brakes and dissapeared for several hours (now mind you he has never been to this state, doesn't know anyone and had no clue how to get back to my house). Needless to say their visit was cut short, I just couldn't handle that being in my house around the kid.

The weightloss/diet/healthyness thing is going good, I find I do better if I don't think about losing weight. I can't tell you how much wieght I have lost so far or how long I've been doing what. But I can say: I hardley ever drink anything that isn't water, I can run on the treadmill now (wasn't able to before) I can run up and down the stairs at work without lossing my breath. Over all so far I look and feel healthier. I started looking at calories, whoa! did you know that IHOP has a breakfast meal that has 1,990 calories in it. Holy fucksticks!

This is my update post! I will be posting something else in a bit (*gasp* two in one day) I felt it deserved its own post.

Till then friendlies

~*~Toodles~*~

I Will Probably Resemble a Zombie on Friday

2011-11-16T12:48:00.004-06:00

Hello invisible audience *frantic waiving*

I have so many things to post about, such as:

My "skinny plan", although I have not acted on most of the rules I have set for myself ~~like getting off my ass and exercising~~ I have modified the way I look at food and the things I shovel into my face.

Then there is the I told you so factor of my youngest sister-in-law's relationship, in which her boyfriend/fiance/ex/who knows what the fuck she calls him now, is the current father to be of his underage mistresses love child.

Plus much more.

But, all I can wrap my nerdy little mind around right now is that fact that tomorrow afternoon/evening/dead of night I will be sitting on my fluffy ass in a darkened movie theater watching 10+ hours of sparkly vampire deliciousness.

Yes I am one of those people, although I must throw out my defenses....I loved the books before the movies were even thought of. I read Twilight when it was newly released, I then waited eagerly each following year for the release of the other three books. I have to say the very first time I saw Twilight 'the movie' I was disappointed, I hated it, what the shitbox were they thinking. But then I went back to the theater and saw it again, and again. Finally it started to grow on me, of course with the increase in budget the next two were substantially better.

So starting at 4pm tomorrow I will be attending a marathon. All three movies plus the new premier back to back. All for a whooping $20 <--I know right, what a freaking steal.

A movie, "meh" *shoulder shrug* you may say, "big deal" *eye roll* you may say. But there is more, for these 10+ blissful hours I will be OFF BABY DUTY!!!! (Insert appreciative nods from the parents in the audience here) Please take a minute if you will to compare schedule A & B below and tell me what you would rather do.

Schedule A (Normal Thursday/Daily routine)
between 5am and 6am - awoken by the kid. (who most likely is pissy because he flipped himself over and now resembles a turtle who is stuck)
6am - diaper kid, dress kid, feed kid, shower, get dressed, put daycare bag together, play with kid.
7:20am - leave house, fight with garage door opener that doesn't work but I haven't fixed yet, take kid to daycare, get him settled in, go to work.
7:50am-5pm - Slave labor, I mean work.
5:15pm - pick up kid, be friendly with other parents/teachers, go home
5:45pm-8pm -feed kid messy kid food, eat/cook (sometimes husbinator does the cooking), play with kid, clean, wash crap, wash kid, feed kid bottle, wash bottles, put kid to bed
8pm-9 or 10pm - try to work in some reading (almost done the last HP book), engage in the sex with husbinator, pass out
sometime between when my brain falls asleep and 3am - be woken up by the teething kid!

Schedule B (Tomorrow)
between 5am and 6am - awoken by the kid. (who is most likely pissy because he flipped himself over and now resembles a turtle who is stuck)
6am - diaper kid, dress kid, feed kid, shower, get dressed, put daycare bag together, play with kid.
7:20am - leave house, fight with garage door opened that is still a piece of shit tomorrow even though i could have fixed it tonight, take kid to daycare, get him settled in, go to work.
7:50am-2:59pm - occupy my desk.
3pm - Insert ass into comfy pants and head to theater.
4pm - settle in and enjoy 10+ hours of movies/junk food/other crap I shouldn't shove in my face.
2:30am-3am ish - Hopefully miss the teething wake-up, go home and sleep

the bad part - waking up at 5am and going to work on Friday.

~*~Toodles~*~

Chocolatey Burps Make it Better.

2011-09-26T13:23:00.002-05:00

Fat girl update:

I'm still, well, fluffier then preferred.

The only exercise I have done is running after Tes when she got out of the back yard last week.

I just had lunch, a 1/4lb burger, large fry, large coke.

AND.....since I was being bad, I thought I would follow through correctly. I followed it up with a cup of chocolate ice-cream.

I make myself sick, but the ice-cream burps are helping. You know what I mean, your like *burp* hmmmm chocolatey, I'm sure glad I had that ice-cream otherwise that would have tasted like onion/burger!

You'll Pay Me How Much! For Doing What!

2011-09-22T16:00:00.003-05:00

Hello there blogger friendlies,

I think my keyboard is dying of old age, I tend to hang on to things to long because I'm comfortable with them instead of upgrading. Like my office chair (it is literally falling apart, but its so effing comfy), or my previous cell phone (whenever it would ring, my co-worker would let me know by saying "H your brick is ringing". In conclusion, there may be a few more typographical errors than normal in this post.

Just to touch base regarding my previous post...it is going as expected, meaning, I have yet to climb on my treadmill and move a single muscle (BUT, I did clean all the clothes off of it and I'm no longer using it as a hamper. Progress, people, progress.)

On another note, my best friend has developed a lady-friend. Don't get me wrong, I like her quite a bit, she appears to be very similar to me (brass, rude, crude, funny, etc.) and I'm pretty sure she likes me, after of course she had been reassured (numerous times) that the bestie and I were never lovers and are more like siblings. So far it has not interfered with our friendy-ship, but I expect him to devote more time to her as things progress so I have decided to start hanging out with/meeting more lady-friends. I am planning a Halloween event next month, it should be a blasty-blast. Everyone is to bring a pumpkin (to be massacred) and a white tea cup (to be read). Anyway, we had talked about getting together sometime before then, but hadn't made any plans yet. Yesterday one of the ladies invited me over tonight for some movie-fun along with a couple of the other ladies. Now, I'm sure you have noticed, aside from the procrastinating of the exercise, I am pretty AR (Anal Retentive). I enjoy planning, my desk is organized, everything in my home/ENTIRE office has a place/file/drawer/label, so last minute planning jumps my nerves, the husbinator assures me I should go instead of staying home and being anti-social. But how I ask you, HOW am I supposed to miss the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy. Holy cow-cakes batman, its McSteamy for Christ's sake. I guess I'll just have to hulu it tomorrow after work.

Speaking of work.....

To touch on a subject previously mentioned. I had asked for a raise AGAIN, going on three and a half years here people. I informed little boss-man that I would be pursuing another career/going in a different direction/leaving their asses if my request was meet yet again with a denial. I doubt he took me seriously.

A side note here, I have under taken numerous new responsibilities in the last three and a half years all with excellent outcomes, never a error and also, never a reward. In short I was fed-up!

So I had been loosely applying to new positions in my spare time. Well last week I got a call back, it was for a front desk position at a architect firm downtown, this would put it closer to my house. I happened to have a Dr. appt on Wed morning so I scheduled an interview for directly after. I arrived early, met with the office manager/accountant/hiring lady and one of the lead architects. We were lax, we bull-shitted, they loved me. I work in engineering and have previous experience working with one of their leading competitors. They wanted me, I had an offer in my inbox before I started my car.

Their offer was good, excellent considering I would be sitting on my ass at a desk solely with the purpose of sorting the daily mail, answering the phone, and booking domestic flights (I book international baby! I was beyond qualified.) They were offering me almost $4,500k more than I was making, I would be trading the five-ish different positions I was currently holding for one half assed one where I would be getting paid more.

Oh, of course I had to give the big boss-man a chance, I called him. It was a bad time, the general manager and operations manager of our shop had just quit (some of their responsibilities happened to have fallen to me) I explained I had been requesting a raise and hadn't received one for three and a half years, he acted shocked. According to him he had no knowledge of this and was thoroughly miffed. The call lasted less then five minutes, he offered $5,500k more then I was currently making. The new company couldn't negotiate any further so my decision was made.

During the call I also mentioned that he should investigate to see when a couple of the guys last received raises (I was privy to the fact that a couple of them hadn't for almost as long as me), I ended up getting most of the office a raise.

Now for the cherry on top of this Delicious cupcake. Our shop has an office manager, he is, how shall I put this, lets go with not exactly cut out for the job. But still, he makes more then I do. Once news traveled to the little boss-man and the now-not-so-evil-hag I work with they were very concerned. As the now-not-so-evil-hag does most of the accounting, she is privy to our salaries and was the one the big boss-man had charged with making the raises happen. I overheard her (she talks super fricken loud on the phone) telling the big boss-man that the salary difference between the office manager of the shop and myself was bothering her, and in order to keep me she thought they should offer me more. I was floored, I had been convinced she disliked me, I guess I was wrong, or perhaps she just didn't want to do her own filing or be in charge of some of the shit I do.

In the end, I received almost a $7,500 raise. Wooooo-who, go me!!!

Now, the big boss-man has come back to town for the week, thanks to some illegally procured and signature forged meds (more on that later, maybe) he was a little relaxed today. He has his i-tunes going, he keeps switching between the Spanish radio/way to happy station and Eric Clapton's Wonderful Tonight, over and over and over and, you get the point. It is most defiantly not at a volume that is work appropriate, if you were to call me I would have to YELL FOR YOU TO HEAR ME!
....I think this is my punishment for thinking about leaving.
.
.
.
Help me.....

~*~Toodles~*~

Run, Fat Girl, Run!

2011-08-26T10:53:00.002-05:00

Hello there blogger friendlies!

I have decided to do something about my less then tight ass (Think Pillsbury here folks, *pokes belly* "who-who!").

I was going to create a new blog just for this humiliation, so people I actually know could read it and be like "~~fatty couldn't keep to the plan"~~ "look how good shes doing". But I decided not to, mainly because it was a pain in the ass to come up with a new blog url and title that no one else already had, and then there's the fact that I would have two blogs to hardly ever post on instead of just the one. So once more its going to be a stranger danger affair here. *smiles*

The plan *dun, dun, dun-nahahahahahaha* is to lose weight. I figure if I'm reporting on progress ~~crap I shove in my face/exercise I don't do~~ I would be more likely to keep with 'the plan'.

Here are the guidelines I'm setting for myself:

No Soda/Pop. This one is going to be hard, I am a soda fiend. But there is hope, I am drinking water as I type this. (I really want a fucking coke)

No Fast Food. *gasp* Another hard one, no necessary because its there saying 'eat me, I will fill your mouth with deliciousness' so much as 'eat me, you won't have to cook, or pour cereal, or spread peanut butter and jelly on bread' Jesus I'm lazy!

Eat less crap, no desk munching at work. No more un-nutritional snacks (I am crying for the hostess cupcakes with the white squiggles as I type)

Drink more water, This will probably be the easiest. When I was knocked up I drank water like a dying camel.

Exercise, I think this will be running. Running will start out as slowly walking then progress throughout six or so weeks to running. (I may actually die from this) I ran once....a dog was chasing me.

That's 'the plan' so far anyway. Now to go home and clean off the treadmill, I guess I will have to buy another clothes hamper now that it won't be available. *sigh*

~*~Toodles~*~

The Hamster that was

2011-08-26T10:50:00.001-05:00

I am sad to report that Houdini is not longer with us.

He went on to escape that giant hamster cage in the sky and eat gods carpet.

We will think of him often, at least until we replace the carpet and paint in the office.

August, oh August........

2011-08-23T13:31:00.002-05:00

August, here you are again. It seems like you were just here last year.

I have mixed feelings about August.

Eight is supposed to be a sign of new beginnings. Well in my life it is most definitely a sign of something.

I am making an effort to be more honest with you, my blogger friendlies. Don't judge, I will say I was young, and although I thought I knew everything, I really didn't know shit. I am not using this as an excuse but I should have had better guidance, instead all I received was a blind eye. Several of the events mentioned here could fill their own blog post and maybe one day they will. At least two of them have been rewritten several times, but always deleted before I could get up the nerve to hit publish.

I do not condone the things that have happened or the things I have done, I was not aware of the extent of my actions at the time.

One subject that will be briefly mentioned and possibly posted about later on is the forbidden A, I can not say that I am pro-choice or pro-life. I will most likely lose a blogger friendly or two and I am sorry to see you go. This is not about what I or anyone else believes is the right thing, this is about my life, things that happened in the past, quite a few of those things were not my decision, but . . . shit happens.

August 2000 - The start of my adolescent troubles, my father sold our home and land without telling anyone, this caused much strife within our family and escalated his drinking problems. I was starting a new school and did not transition well. The school psychologist suggested I was manic depressive and needed to be medicated, looking back I had the same emotional issues every young girl goes through. Still I was put on adult anti-psychotic drugs, instead of getting better I became worse, a couple years later these drugs would come with warnings that children under the age of eightteen who took several of the drugs I was prescribed were more prone to increased depression and suicide. I was twelve at the time.

August 2001 - Due to the new housing situation I had a new neighbor, a boy a couple months younger then myself. We had been 'dating' for about six months. My dad was drunk most of the time, and my mother kept herself away from the house. This, along with his mother who was always working and convinced we were to young to know anything allowed us a lot of alone time. Needless to say, we were not to young. A year earlier my fourteen year old cousin had a baby, of course I was influenced. I had grown up with and looked up to her, no one said this was something that should have happened later in her life, it was just accepted and we all moved on. I was thirteen and pregnant, my mother flipped out, not because of the situation but because of what everyone would think of HER when it got out. I was taken to a clinic in the city where no one would see us. I was forbidden from mentioning the pregnancy even when we were in the clinic or in the car on the way to the procedure. Sometimes I wonder if she even remembers or if she has blocked it out completely.

August 2002 - My life was still spiralling out of control, still reeling from the pregnancy which was not to be mentioned and a recent break-up with a second boyfriend. I met a guy, he was twenty-three, I was fourteen. I didn't realize at the time but the relationship started with rape, he was a heavy drug user. Luckily, of all the dumb-shit I did, drugs and alcohol were not included in my list. I did however trip on acid one time, it was the last time I saw him. Looking back, I am surprised I survived knowing this guy. There was a lot of unconsensual sex, he was high almost all of the time. I had no one I trusted, no one to talk to. It was my fault, I know now this line of thinking was stupid. At one point, he forced me into his car and took me across state lines, ignoring my requests to go home, he had taken my cell phone. When I finally got taken home, my mother didn't say a word, and my father was to drunk to notice I had been gone.

August 2005 - I met the husbinator online in January of 2003, by June he was living with us. Things started to straighten out at this point. We decided to move to the Midwest where his family had relocated to. I was seventeen at the time. His mother is religious, her belief system changes frequently regarding what is right and wrong, or evil. In order for us to stay at her house, even if we were in separate rooms, we had to be married. So on August 8th we were married, two days later we drove 1200 miles to our new home. The husbinator and I both agree that this was the wrong thing to do, we were to young. In 2007 we had some marriage trouble that took me back to the east coast, it lasted for five months then I was back.

August 2008 - We bought our house, started new jobs and finally settled into life a little bit more.

August 2009 - Took me and my mother on an incredible journey to London, through a trip she won.

August 2010 - Last year I found out I was pregnant, after years of trying unsuccessfully. I had been convinced that due to the abortion I would be unable to conceive.

August 2011 - What will this August bring?? I am twenty three, a mother, a wife, a office wench. A friend of mine is moving back to her home state, her job is available, I applied today. Perhaps this is the year I get the job that will give back.

Till later Blogger Friendlies

~*~ Toodles ~*~

Superstitions or cautious truths?

2011-07-06T16:17:00.003-05:00

Last week would have been my Grandmothers Ninety-Seventh birthday if she was still alive.

In honor of this I thought I would share a little

My Grandmother did most of my 'raising' I was with her everyday, when she was dying I staying with her during the day while my Uncle, whom she lived with worked. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't have any manners or know how to cook anything besides a bowl of cereal.

She was a lithe little woman, her once blood red hair had turned completely white about 15 years ago. She was the picture perfect housewife/mother. Entirely predictable, She was awake before the sun each morning watering her plants and getting ready for the day. She did not drive so her visitors came to her. I don't know of anyone who did not love her and think highly of her, which is kind of ironic considering she was one of the most mouthy people I knew. She would make you eat soap if you cursed (I ate a lot of dial in my day) but when the O's games were on she could make a sailor blush. I never knew anyone who loved baseball more then her. She always spoke her mind and if she didn't like you she let you know it.

Every year on the fourth of July our entire family would get together, down to our last distant cousin, slowly one by one people would move away all across the country but we would still go home for the fourth. Thanksgiving and Christmas were events at her house, she always organized and cooked the entire meal and made it look flawless.

What prompted this post? Was it her birthday that just recently past? Or her death date which preceded her Birthday by three days? Or the missing fourth of July reunion/cookout? No it was none of those. . .

I put my shoes on the table, that's what made me miss her so much.

I should probably mention she was Irish, and full of Irish cooking, folklore and superstitions. I'm sure my obsession with Faeries (Tuatha De Danann, not Tinkerbell) came from her. The husbinator thinks I'm ridiculous but I still believe the 'superstitions/saying' I was brought up believing.

For example I know:

*It is bad luck to put your shoes on the table.

*If you left hand itches it means you will be coming into money (I was also told, to 'hurry up, and rub it on your ass and it will be a lot of money).

*If your ear burns or itches someone is gossiping about you.

*If a black cat crosses your path you need to cross it out to keep from having bad luck.

*you should hang a used horseshoe over the threshold of a door for luck, but if it turns upside down all the luck will run out.

*Its bad luck for a girl to whistle in the house.

*It is bad luck to follow a funeral precession of a stranger, If you come across one you should turn the other way.

*If you spill salt you should throw it over your shoulder.

*Wearing your clothes inside out meant you were "afraid the witches were going to 'get' you".

I tell the husbinator "Of course I don't believe that nonsense", but you better believe if my left hand itches I'm going to rub it on my ass and then go out a buy a lottery ticket.

So here's to you Mommom, I miss you. Even though your gone, your sometimes strange beliefs live on. :o)

~*~ Toodles~*~

It's Been a While

2011-06-30T15:36:00.007-05:00

Hello there blogger friendlies.

It's been a while, no? I'm like a blogging zombie, back from blogger death...or parenting.

Have Patience while we catch up, wander with me through yester-months.......*fuzzy/blurish/flash-back scene*

Babynator will be three months old on Monday the 4th. I can't believe it has only been three months, it feels like he's always been here. Though, at the same time I can't believe three months have gone by so fast. He is getting huge, and his little personality is blossoming. It's amazing watching him just be a tiny person, the way he studies things (mainly his hands lately) you can tell he's calculating and imagining what they are for or watching his face when he discovers something new like how to grab an object and move it back and forth, the fact that something so simple makes him so happy gives me so much hope and makes my life better. (put your freaking tissues away and stop worrying I'm still crass, rude and wrong. Still the same chick who just gave her boss a birthday card with a giant elephant butt on the front and a inside text that read "thought I'd get you a big ass card for your birthday") The babynator just added a little extra mommyness to me, but only where he's concerned. I still don't like other peoples germ breeders *smiles*.

I'm ashamed to say this but with work and Cinderella detail at home the breast-feeding was just to much for me. I felt/feel like a failure that I didn't continue, I would say I couldn't do it but that would be lying and of all my bad habits (chronic nose-picker) lying is not one of them. I just couldn't man up and handle all the extra responsibility. Yea that's right I'm a little bitch, but I think both babynator and I are benefiting a little more from the switch. He used to throw up what seemed like whole feedings both on breast milk and the first three formula's we tried. We now have settled on Enfamil which he can keep down so he seems a lot less like the next movie option for the Exorcist franchise.

I went back to work right at six weeks, it was hard at first but that had a lot to do with the daycare he was in. Due to a financial handicap (really, I should get a special parking permit for it) we had him in a home daycare to start with. I'm a pretty laid back person but I can be a little anal (mainly regarding babynator and office work), I was unhappy with how he was being taken care of so I contacted a awesome early learning/pre-school center and through some miracle I negotiated the same price I was paying at the home daycare. It has Internet monitoring and he will learn all kinds of awesomeness as he grows like sign language, Spanish, music and art classes, I'm very happy now. But on Wednesday of his last day at the home daycare I picked him up and it was just not good, the lady is lucky there were children and another mother there. I would probably be writing this from jail if it had just been us. needless to say he didn't go back for his last two days.

Work has been....um.....interesting since I came back. I am semi-seriously looking for another job (I say semi because I am not putting as much effort into the job search as I could). I've had a couple instances where I was temped to say take this job and shove it and walk out, all of which were initiated by the evil-wench I work with. But, after the last time when enough was enough I went to little boss-man and told him all that had been going on with her. He was outraged by her presumed leadership role and lording of power she doesn't have. Things have been significantly better since then, but I'm still waiting on the raise I've been asking for for about three years now, so I'm still searching the job market.

Husbinator is awesome as usual, he could talk to me more in my opinion. But I still think I'm a pretty lucky gal. You should see him with babynator, they are awesome together. My father was never more then someone who came into the house when it was time for bed and he was almost always drunk by then. So, it amazes me how great a father can be. Husbinator is out of town for work this week and although babynator is only three months old you can tell he is looking around for him, he called us last night and when babynator heard his voice he started smiling and looking around.

finally now that were somewhat caught up, here are a few more tidbits of what has been going on recently...

I have been watching Grey's anatomy lately on Netflix, I'm on season six. (Favorite Grey's qoute so far..."Please, don't cry on my ass." ~ Christina Yang. I'm addicted, I think I'm more of a McSteamy girl then a McDreamy girl.

I recently had a root canal. I have a unhealthy phobia of dentists, it takes two 10mg Valiums just to get me there for a X-ray. I had a LOT of Valium and nitrous so there was some hallucinating going on, I remember at one point thinking Grey's Anatomy wasn't real and I made it all up. I then thought what a shame it would be if Patrick Dempsey and his hair was not real.

My cousin invited us to Washington for her wedding in September, I'm not sure if we will be able to swing it (financially) but I really want to go, watching Grey's (set in Seattle) every night does not help any.

And lastly (for now) I need a friend, a best friend. I used to have one, but I left her in Maryland when I moved so we barely talk anymore. It would have been awesome to still be together though, she had her second baby the day after Babynator was born. Mainly I just need someone to talk to, go places with and share stuff with. I have friends, I even consider one of them a 'best friend' but some things I just can't talk to a guy who's a mutual friend of the husbinator and I about. I know he would keep things between us if I asked but it would just be weird to talk about some things with him.

Till next time friendlies.
~*~Toodles~*~

When the bump turned into a baby

2011-04-21T11:55:00.002-05:00

Sooooooo, the bump turned into a baby recently.

But before that the little guy started some trouble while he was still a bump. I developed preeclampsia and was admitted to the Ante-partem high risk unit. They decided to wait out the week then do a c-section on Monday 4/4 (He was breech and had no intention of moving, and they wanted to wait till I was at least 37wks to deliver), I managed to convince them to let me go home for the weekend, on the Saturday before D-day my parents drove in then drove me crazy for two weeks, more on that in another post). Monday came and off to the hospital I went. There ended up being a couple emergency c-sections come in that morning so my scheduled time kept getting pushed back again and again.....Let me tell you the waiting was the worst freaking part. Finally they came to get me and take me to the operating room, what a awesome feeling it is to be seated on this high tiny table and hunching over for someone to shove a needle in your spine. Glancing over and noticing that the doctors tool chest was just that a fucking craftsmen tool chest does not help the nerves. I was shaking so bad from being nervous they had a nurse trying to hold me still, it took FIFTEEN minutes to get my lower half all drugged up. Apparently I had a newbie doing my epidural and she kept missing, which by the way you can feel that shit! My left leg still goes numb when I sit a certain way. After they were done abusing me they brought the Husbinator in and started slicing me open, after they had gone all Sweeney Todd on my ass they asked Husbinator if he wanted to see them take the baby out. He got to see all my gross insides, and some of my insides were actually sitting OUTSIDE of me just chillaxing waiting to be put back. The doc said there was no way we could have done that naturally, he had one foot tucked tightly under his bum and the other was up by his face. So babynator (ya like?? I was trying to figure out what to call him on here and figured why not) weighed 7lbs 4oz and was 18inches long, he was plucked out at 2:41pm. I did pretty great on the recovery and got to leave the hospital after 48hours. I decided early on that I was going to breastfeed and honestly didn't think it would be that hard....well I was WRONG, Holy Jesus in a fucking rowboat! What the hell was I thinking, It is by far the best option for babynator (that's why I'm still pretending to be a cow) but at first it freaking hurts, then when that finally goes away he hits a growth spurt and all he wants to do is eat and eat and eat. I'm trying to get coordinated enough to pump and feed him so I can start stocking up for when I go back to work and hes in day care. I'm having a really hard time with the breastfeeding thing obviously (I'm a weenie)

I need to apologize for my even worse then normal sentence structure and spelling but I was trying to get all this on here before babynator woke up.

Anyway babynator just woke up and he's hungry, I know I left a lot out so I'll probably add some things here and there.

Till next time friendlies......"moooo"

~*~ Toodles ~*~

Bumpdate the sequel

2011-03-28T09:14:00.002-05:00

So my fluid levels went from a dangerously low 8.3 on the 10th to a 14 on the 17th. When I went to the doctors on Friday (the 25th) it was up to a 15 yay!!!!!!! no for some not so yay, I currently have my ass planted to a hospital bed, and am strapped up to a fetal monitor. I apparently developed preeclampsia...dun dun dun. My blood pressure was high when I was at the doctors on Friday so she sent me to triage, I ended up in labor and delivery and am still here. I'm not at a very high risk stage of the disease but since he has the two vessel cord thing going along with this they wanted to keep me here till I deliver. Which thankfully I'm far enough along 36wks 2dys today that they are thinking this Friday...April fools baby. Little man still has not turned his butt around though so were looking at probably rocking a c-section. Thank the sweet baby jesus on toast my friend brought me his laptop to work/screw around on (ours took a dump a few days ago) so now I'm not stuck playing solitaire by hand any more. I tried to con my doctor into playing poker with me but something about other patients in labor, I think she was just afraid of losing. Anyway, I just discovered you can actually order what you want for meals so I'm going to go study the menu like I'm getting ready for finals. ~*~Toodles~*~

Bumpdate

2011-03-16T13:32:00.002-05:00

Hello there fellow blogger friendlies,

Thought I would update you all on my bump. I'm rather round these days, I still haven't gotten the Linea nigra :( <--sad face. But my belly button has flattened out and depending on how Jr's laying it sometimes pops out. Other then being uber tired AGAIN and having to roll off the sofa in order to get up, I'm still getting around normally. I only waddle sometimes and when I do I make sure I make quacking noises (people at work love this I'm sure).

I had a pretty eventful week, Thursday I had a Dr. appt and Ultrasound (More on that in a minute) Thursday night my Mother showed up to surprise me, I took my sister-in-law to the airport to pick-up her husband's brother but my mom was there instead. It was a awesome surprise, people can't usually seem to keep a secret from me so I was genuinely excited. Friday was my Birthday, people actually remembered this year (I got money and a cake :) <--- happy face). Then Saturday I had a baby shower, The turnout was not nearly what I was hoping for but I enjoyed it and we did get a lot of useful stuff. (Plus some honey to rub on my nipples, I have weird freaking friends!) The Nursery is put together and stocked with enough stuff that it could house/care for a live infant now, so that's a relief.

As you know (If you actually read this rambling) Jr has a two vessel umbilical cord so I have to have a Ultrasound once a month to monitor his growth and make sure he's on track. Last week at my ultrasound they noticed his fluid is low, it is at a 8.3 which is the lowest it can be at and still be considered normal. I go for another ultrasound tomorrow to recheck the fluid level, if it has dropped any lower they are going to put me on bed rest. If it gets to low they will put me on hospital bed rest. Also, he is still bottom down. The doctor thinks he won't be able to turn on his own with the fluid so low and based on how far down he already is. If he doesn't pull a flip my 37wks (April 2) they are going to put me in the hospital and try to turn him manually. I'm assured I will be drugged for this, but still O-to the-UCH. If they are unsuccessful at turning him the are going to schedule a c-section. They are worried about him leaning on his cord and causing problems with the fluid being so low, due to his cord being more delicate then most so they said an early emergency c-section is possible. But when they measured him on Thursday he was weighing in around 5lbs so he should due well if he comes now.

I'll try to keep you posted somewhat more often.

~*~ Toodles ~*~

The Hamster Whisperer.......

2011-02-14T16:31:00.002-06:00

So today has VD, oops I meant today is VD.

The Husbinator gave me an awesome gift this past weekend...well he gave Houdini a awesome gift anyway. The gift of life.

It has been retardedly cold here recently. Houdini's house happens to sit beneath a window (well part of his vast hamster mansion does anyway, the rest of it sits in the corner on a filing cabinet. All accessible through a collection of annoyingly bright colored plastic tubes.)

So I went in the office to visit with/give my overweight hamster some treats and I noticed he wasn't moving. I opened the top of his hamster observatory where he looked to be napping and poked him (gently) he flopped over on his side, little furry legs sticking straight out. He didn't appear to be breathing, I touched him again and he was freezing.

I quickly located the Husbinator in the bathroom across the hall and knocked on the door swallowing down a sniffle.

"I need you to stop pooping and come here right away."

After a heavy sigh and a flush the door opened. I lead him into the office and picked up Houdini's apparently lifeless little body. As I was trying to remember where I had an empty shoebox a little leg twitched. I rolled him over in my hand, was it my imagination? was he now a zombie hamster? Another leg twitched and then his little jaws clamped down on the palm of my hand. He was alive! But Houdini isn't a bitey Hamster, so either he really is a Zombie Hamster or he was really sick.

Once he let go I gave him to the Husbinator, he noted how cold he was and wrapped him in a hand towel and sat him on the heater vent on the floor. As I sat there nursing my hamster bite (which looks like a mini vampire went all ape-shit on my palm) I watched as slowly his little legs started moving. We tried to entice him with a raisin (his favorite snack) and he TRIED to eat it, he was all shaky, it was pathetic and sad. I held it together though although at one point with tears imminent the Husbinator turned to me and said "See this is why I didn't want you to get a hamster...they die." And in truth if I had found him already dead it wouldn't have been nearly as bad as watching him in apparent pain trying desperately to stop shaking long enough to eat a raisin, his last meal no doubt.

We noticed how cold the office was, apparently the vent stopped working. It appeared our dear poor little Houdini was freezing to death. Slowly, sadly, pathetically and it was all my fault...If only I had checked on him sooner. If only I hadn't set his hamster mansion up beneath the window.

So the Husbinator got all 'House M.D.' like serious, put the towel and Houdini in a bucket, then sat that bucket on the toilet beneath the heater in the bathroom. Then he took a hot shower. (At least Houdini would have something nice to look at while he was going to the big hamster ball in the sky.) So as I heard the shower turn off I crept ever so slowly into the bathroom, expecting to find a lifeless ball of fluff.

The Husbinator looked bleak "you shouldn't look in the bucket." I sucked it up and peeked over the edge of the red bucket. . . . . .

....

....

....

....

And Houdini peeked back at me!

My Husbinator the hamster whisper.

We disconnected and moved one of the smaller hamster houses into the living room, and now I keep catching the Husbinator talking to/playing with/holding/and giving Houdini treats. He was never a fan before. When questioned I was told they shared a near death experience and bonded to leave it alone.

:o)

I promise I will post some bump updates soon, I am losing site of my belly button these days. 68 days to go...In theory anyway!

~*~Toodles~*~

Shit she's alive!!!!

2010-12-28T15:01:00.004-06:00

Hello there invisible friendlies.

Sorry its been like for freaking ever since I've posted. I've been busy hiding from the holidays, growing a bump and searching for the lost hamster.

I'm like the black ops of hamster recovery at this point, the hamster whisperer if you will. Its almost to the point now that he comes when I call his name and make that stupid clicky 'here squirrel' noise with my tongue. And the dogs are useless in this particular department, I say find Houdini and the just stare at me, I promise he tastes good and they run in a circle and return eating their own tails. I wonder if there is something toxic in the dog food I feed them that makes them this way. *sigh*

This is the infamous Houdini by the way.

In other news, I'm inflating right along these days, right now I catch myself speaking cow, moo. Pretty soon IIII'LLLLLLLLL ssssttttttttaaaaarrrrttttttt ssssppppeeeeaaaakkkiiiinnnngggg wwwwhhhhhhaaaaaalllllllllleeeeee. Actually now that I've said that I'm really not that big, I have a friend thats exactly one week further along then me and she is huge in comparison. By now I should have started sporting the linea nigra (the lovely dark thing from your belly button to your va-jay-jay area) but I haven't, I'm somewhat disappointed about this. Another thing missing, I still have a belly button, although its a very shallow one at the moment it is still there, whereas my friends has 'popped' out like a turkey timer. I can't say I'm disappointed about this as I am kind of weird about my belly button. Its taboo at my house, the husbinator is always trying to shove his finger in there because he knows how bad having someone touch my belly button freaks me the fucknuts out.

We found out Jr is a boy, and we have a name picked out but for some reason we are both still calling him Jr. We were going to wait but the day came and it was just to damn tempting. We also learned that he has a two vessel cord, this is very rare (So rare I can't even find it in almost all of the 'fuck in pregnant what do I do' books. basically instead of two blood vessels Jr's cord only has one. In some cases this can cause a chromosome problem and the baby will not grow properly, as of two weeks ago Jr was doing great and is right on track. I'm assured everything will be fine and Jr will be healthy, but just to be on the safe side I will have a growth screening ultrasound done once a month (Yay! More pictures). Naturally this is making me freak the fuck out about everything now.

I've been feeling lost lately, like I'm not sure who I am anymore. I assume this is a normal pregnant thing. It's like I look around and I'm not sure how I got here, like I've slept through life for the last few years. I don't want it to be like that with the kid.

The thing that's been bugging the shit out of me most....What am I going to do with the kid? I wont even actually be off when I'm on maternity leave, I'll be working at home because apparently the big boss man can't function without me. So when I go back where is Jr going to go? I don't want to do day-care and I don't have anyone here I trust to take care of him. I'm trying to get my parentals to move here from the east coast. If that doesn't pan out, it looks like I'm smuggling a baby to work every day.

~toodles~

Eleven Weddings, a Escapee Hamster!, and lets not forget the drug addicted dog.

2010-11-08T11:23:00.003-06:00

Who's going to see Wicked! That's right this girl right here. *Special kid happy dance* O yeah, O yeah *Fist pump* uh huh, uh huh *sprinkler*

Hello there invisible friendlies. *Frantic waving*

What's that you ask, how was my weekend? Well I'm glad you asked.

We got the dog spayed. T

The special dog, not the good, sweet doesn't eat my furniture dog. I know its been awhile since I mentioned her, she has become somewhat more bearable. I'm actually starting to like her. She's about seven months old now and my parentals will be visiting this month from the east coast "Holla" *insert white girl version of gang sign that looks more like the Y.M.C.A. dance then it should* They will be bringing my dear sweet three-legged weenie dog they hijacked from me. He is not fixed, and Tesla is just to 'special' to multiply (you like how I didn't say stupid there, it took me a minute to come up with the alternative.)

So Friday she got fixed. Saturday she came home. The chick at the vet (who by the way, was all "what a sweet, adorable, well behaved puppy" *lots of squeaky voice*, and I was all "yeah, the little girl from the Exorcist was cute to, just wait awhile, she'll go all Regan on you and the next thing you know... pea-soup everywhere!" You could tell she was debating rather or not the dog should go home with me.

Anywhateverandsuch, she was all "She's going to be in a lot of pain, but its up to rather or not you want to take some pain meds home with you, it will be $25." then she glared at me. So I bought the drugs and was debating rather to hide it in cheese or a grape (the dog really likes grapes) when I dropped it....and she scarfed it up, tail wagging she followed me around looking for more. You could tell she was a little doped. Now I don't even consider the cheese/grape, she happily swallows whatever I give her. I think we should have named her Lindsey.

Saturday, the Husbinator and I went to his sister and her husband's house. From there we all piled in the car and went to their neighbors (Who the Husbinator used to work with) wedding. They are from El Salvador? or Mexico? or something like that.

We get there and are a little confused because the bride is not the right chick, then another bride walks in (still not the right chick) followed by another......and so on. It was a mass(?<---what the hell I'm assuming here, it was catholic after all) wedding. There were ELEVEN couples that got married in the span of two hours.

The service and reception were entirely in Spanish, I could understand about every third word.

Another fun fact, when you are the only white (gringo?) chick and you happen to have blond hair, all the gangster looking guys with neck tattoos will stare at you like you have magical unicorns in your vajay-jay.

At the reception... I was outraged! The bride got to whip the groom with a leather belt while he 'danced' (writhed in pain). Why did I not get to physically abuse the Husbinator at our wedding?? He's Spanish (the Spain kind so I think its Spaniard) that's close enough to El Salvador or Mexico that it should have been ok.

And last but not least, The damn hamster escaped again, not once but twice this weekend. He is taken his name (Houdini) to seriously. The first time I found him in a fugly bag one of my sister-in-laws had gotten me. It was the size of a suitcase and had anal beads for shoulder straps. He chewed multiple holes int he fabric and un-threaded/ate most of the anal beads. The second time, I couldn't find him, I assume he was hiding in my vast book-shelf no doubt reading some Celtic folklore (maybe I can convince him a goblin will eat him if he gets out again). I ended up putting some food on the floor and leaving his lower level door open, I found him later asleep in his house, all the food gone. I left him with threats about using the vacuum to find him next time.

Till the next adventure friendlies!

~*~Toodles~*~

More Random Adventures of the Office Wench

2010-10-15T10:40:00.003-05:00

I have come the the realisation the other day that my favorite blogger read(s) my posts. Now I won't tell you who it is. Although I'd love to name drop, I don't want you all to be jealous because we all know having ME, personally read your blog makes you the happiest of happy, the mayor of fuck I'm happy town if you will. But anyway this realisation does two things for me
1. makes me want to pee myself with joy.
And
2. Makes me extremely aware that there are actually real people out there in the bloggy universe that read my shit. Whats more nerve racking, their real people whom I love to read, who I totally cyber stalk.
So I have decided that I will continue to pretend you are all my imaginary friends and you won't notice my rambling, weird posts, and general spelling errors (even though there is spell check up in this joint, I'm still super special sometimes and forget to hit that button.)

My bump seems to be rapidly inflating these days, In fact I think today after work I should probably go buy some jeans that fit (with the elasticy crap for your expanding bump) that way I can stop with the hair ties through the button holes and the constant rolling down/pulling up maneuver I do so well.
But its not just my bump that is expanding these days.
This morning, as I was walking down the hall at work I felt a sudden (how to put this) *finger tapping chin* looseness. I looked down and sure enough one of my melons had escaped. so I shuffled to the bathroom and checked out that crime scene. Apparently my bra is no longer able to contain the awesomeness that has sprung forth from my chest. I had to finnagle the hair tie from my pants to my bra to keep things in check.
Now my pants keep falling off!

On another note, my husband acts like a prude. which deep down he's really not.
but anyway, I totally walked in on his 'alone time' the other day. Embarrassed the shiz out of him. still trying to figure out why, I mean its not like it bothers me, although I may have giggled a little, I mean he was doing this weird hunched over maneuver. But still, Its not like I don't do it. and I'm not even discrete about it so why is he embarrassed (unless of course it was the giggling after all). I tried to talk to him to make him feel better about it but he kinda ran the other way.
Anyway the mental image still makes me giggle.

Till next time friendlies

~*~Toodles~*~

Underpants, Snot, Scott Peterson and Poo...What more could you want on a friday morning!

2010-09-17T09:04:00.003-05:00

Hello there blogger friendlies,

A couple things I wanted to discuss in today's meeting....Feel free to give some feedback, comments, concerns, etc. so on and whateverandsuch.

Onto the first matter of business for today. Are Pants Jealous of Under Pants?

It is common knowledge around my house and possibly at this point my neighborhood, well lets be honest we live on a hill so maybe even the whole damn town. I have a problem with clothes....I mean their great on other people but I just don't like them on me. I'm kind of like a three year old (I'm told I used to run around butt ass naked <---moms words! when I was little).

When I get out of the shower it takes me FOREVER to put clothes on, I will flop on the bed and moan about the injustice of clothes and how even though my closet is full of nicely washed and hung articles of clothing I have nothing to wear. The Husbinator will eventually start counting and I slowly shuffle to the closet to get dressed (Managing to find at least six things during the three second walk into my closet that merits more attention then putting clothes on my butt ass nakedness.)

So naturally when I was home from work on Wednesday not feeling well I wasn't wearing much. Lose the mental image I had on shorts and a t-shirt (which for me is a lot, when I'm home alone) The husbinator comes home and was all like "wow you put clothes on" so I of course mention that although I am wearing a shirt and shorts I am still rebelling as I have no underpants on.

We then get into the conversation about pants being jealous of underpants. Are they? wouldn't you be. Its like your saying 'I'm sorry jeans, I don't like you enough to have you touch me EVERYWHERE.' and so you put on underpants, they spend the most time with you. always on your tush. even in a dress your derriere is covered (well I'm assuming someone wears underpants with dresses even if its not me) maybe your pants just want to be a little closer to you, but your underpants are hindering that goal. wouldn't you be pissed??

The second order of business.... Me bitching! (I know surprise who saw that coming?) I have Allergies. BAD! And I can't take anything because of the baby I'm growing....I'm a giant ball of sneezey snot, its gross. And I can't breath out of my nose so now I am one of those annoying mouth breathers. ewwie!!!

Thirdness.....The Boss man comes to my desk yesterday. Based on the following conversation (among other things) I worry about his mental state.

Boss Man: "So is your husbinator happy about the baby?"

Me: "Yes he's very excited we both are, we can hardly wait."

BM: "Oh, well that's good I guess. *awkward pause* cause I saw this thing about Scott Peterson on the TV this morning."

Me: *Blank Stare* "Wow really, you would think of that! We'll if I go missing check the lakes."

What the hello man.

Lastley.....but definitely no leastley........Pop on over to Pearl, Why You Little... She is one of my favorite bloggers and she recently did a post about where we will poo when the world goes to pot (pun intended). I will most definitely be stocking up on Kitty Litter for the Zombie Apocalypse.

~*~Toodles~*~

Uterus say what??

2010-09-08T16:17:00.004-05:00

Hello Blogger friendlies! *frantic waving*

Lets take a moment to travel back in time.

*fuzzy screen shot*

*image of me at six running around with my dress over my head and no panties*

Whoa, okay a little to far back there. Stop staring pervs!

*image readjusts to blog screen from about a month ago regarding my fork in the road/path/windy thing of life*

Ok so now that you are with me, and have no doubt read my whining (because you absolutely love anything concerning yours truly) I have some news.........

My decision has been made for me, well one of them anyway.

To quote one of my favorite movies ...... 'my eggo is prego' well technically he says 'your eggo is prego' but whatever. I'm talking about Juno of course! 'That ain't no etch-a-sketch.....this is one doodle that can't be undid homeskillet.' But of course I don't want to undo my doodle. I am ecstatic about the news, I just love that line.

I am due on April 23rd, 2011. Pretty exciting eh.... go ahead I'll give you a moment to squeal. I did. After all it only took FOREVER for it to finally happen.

So whats my plan now?? to win the lottery of course. Oh and to sleep, cause I'm like hella tired.

~*~ Toodles ~*~

Impaired Mental Health Day

2010-08-19T10:46:00.004-05:00

So the Husbinator and I took a mental health day yesterday.

The Plan: I text into work 'sick' (he had already arranged not showing up the day before) we sleep in until about 9am wake up have lunch at the cheesecake factory and go to the zoo (I have an obsession with the zoo).

The Reality:
I wake up at 7am text into work let the doggies out and go back to bed next to my snoring Husbinator.

Wake up again at 11:43am, wtf.

Get dressed

check bank balance online realize I fucked up my quackulating skills and am now -$22 big ones in the bank.

Decide we need to drive 25 miles out of the way to pick up a check that someone owed the husbinator before we go to the zoo.

Wait at the place for the check for 40 minutes (incompetent office wenches annoy the hell out of me) sit next to someone who is having a conversation with their invisible friend, listen to said person have a one sided fight and 'not talk to' said invisible friend. (its a church, today is a day they help the needy).

Go to the bank around the corner deposit some dough.

Stop at gas station, fill Judy up (yea I name my car what of it). Try to start the car, a bunch of clicky noise but no starting....wtf

wait 45 minutes for someone to show up and jump her.

take Judy home trade cars, now driving Marvin.

to late to go to the zoo :o(

haul box of old PS2, PS3, and DS games to game stop. (something good will come of this day dammit)

trade in enough crap that I can buy my coveted Starcraft II Wings of Liberty without actually spending any money. Be so excited I almost pee myself, can't wait to get home and play it.

Husbinator decides we should go to the grocery store and get steaks, salad and potatoes.

Get home, start to open SCII box. Husbinator suggests I should make the mashed potatoes.

Clean kitchen first because I'm mildly OCD.

Neighbor lady comes to hang out. Try to decide how to ditch her so I can play SCII, really jonesing now.

Eat, It is delish. They day is looking up (its like 6pm at this point.)

load dishwasher.

BOOM!!!!!

no electric, WTFFFFF. Transformer blew, electric won't be on till 8:30 or 9. Hold back tears, while caressing SCII box.

Decide to go see Prince of Persia at the dollar movie. Defiantly not as good as the game, but eh, it was alright.

Go home, sleep.

Now its tomorrow (or today) and I'm at work.

I still have not opened the effing SCII box yet.

damn cutlery of life

2010-08-17T10:33:00.002-05:00

I'm at a fork, well more like a whole drawer of forks.....

I want to add a note before I start rambling: I am aware that most of what I write and consider shoes (issues) are probably insignificant compared to some peoples shoes. But I would like to point out that someones shoes who may seem piddly and small to you may be the biggest shoes they own, everyone has shoes. Since this is my bloggidy blog I reserve the right to bitch complain and moan about my shoes......

I need direction in my life. (feel free to leave some in the comments *charming smile*)

Here is some of what I have going on right now:

Although I am told I am a most excellent office wench, I really don't think I want to do it for the rest of my life. I have been having quite a few shoes with my job lately, more so then usual with this new move crap we did.
My lady bits are still fucking with me.
I have been somewhat depressed lately due to work, housework, feelings of going nowhereness (probably not a word)

Heeeeeelllllpppppppp me *hiding under bed from responsibilities*

Some options:

I can suck it up and wait for the mean whore I work with to retire so I can get her job and be a well paid office wench for the rest of my life. (I think she will probably die here just so I don't get a promotion, she really loves me)

I can go to school (I am leaning towards this) and major in something I really want to do for the rest of my life. It would take about three years give or take to get my associates degree. I would of course have to continue working at hell for the majority of those three years. (I could possibly cut down to part time at the jobstead depending on how much of a raise the husbinator gets when he gets his journeyman's license, which he should be taking the test soon.) On the flip side, I think I may be overestimating my ability to multitask like a mother fucker and handle hell, school, and the Cinderella details awaiting me at home. All while making sure the husbinator is happy and content.

I have a lady bit dr appt. next week, she is going to ask how everything is going (I was put on metformin last year to regulate my insulin, menstrual cycles, and hopefully help me get knocked up) She is going to suggest that the husbinator go jack off in a cup, then I go on fertility drugs. Since my health insurance sucks ass all of that will be out of pocket *throwing tomatoes at that idea* "boooo!" So my options will be take the drugs (this would most likely leave me leaning towards staying at hell and waiting for the whore to retire.) go on birth control so my periods and hormones don't end up more fucked then they are (I don't want to do this because it feels like I'm giving up on getting pregnant, plus I don't think the husbinator will be cool with this, he is very pro-baby at this point) or I can ask to remain on the metformin because it does help me feel better and apparently I am optimistic (go figure) about getting knocked up. O yea, the boss guy gave me a crib the other day. I was all like "thanks but I'm just fat" and hes all like, you will have a baby soon so you will have it when your ready.

So what the shit do I do????

Eat your heart out Jean-Claude

2010-08-02T11:44:00.004-05:00

Obviously I did not develop superpowers or turn into a leather wearing ass kicking kitty kat. I know you were probably all worried since I haven't posted in a minute.

But.....

Still moving the office *look of despair*

Also looking for a nice cliff to jump off.

Didn't want you to think I had abandoned you, no doubt your nails are already chewed to the quick because of the nervousness caused by my absence.

Not much to report at this point, really need to get back to packing and planning where to hide the bodies of uncooperative co-workers.

But here's something to hold you over till I reappear.......

(Setting: Living room, Husbinator is watching Blood Sport, I come and perch on his lap)

Me: I can't believe they still show these

Husbinator: There good movies

Me: Oh, don't get me wrong. I LOVE them. *googly eyes*

Husbinator: *Squinty eyes* emmmm hmmm

Me: No really I LOVVVVVEEEE them, When I was little I used to watch Kick Boxer almost every day, Jean-Claude wanted to marry me.

Husbinator: *eyebrow raised*

Me: Then he was going to kick every ones ass, because everyone else in the world wanted to marry me to (of course) well all the boys anyway........and most of the girls.

Husbinator: Well I'm glad I didn't have to kick his ass to get you, but I would have. Now go back to playing the Sims in your office so I can finish my movie.

~FIN~

~*~Toodles~*~

After my car tried to kill me I was attacked by a pussy.......cat

2010-07-15T11:45:00.001-05:00

Hi there friendlies.

I know two posts in one week, your excited right.

I mentioned before that we were moving our office. Well there is a whole long bass ackwards story that goes along with that, but it’s kind of boring so I won’t get into it now.

Anywhatnotandsuch, I had a rather shitastic day yesterday. I’m in charge of the moving crap, along with another guy I work with (we work very well together so no complaints) naturally there is someone (there is always that someone, you know the one you want to throw heavy metal objects at) trying to make our lives hell, as usually they think they are in charge and are trying to dictate everything we are doing. When in fact they have nothing AT ALL to do with the move, and that’s not just me my boss clarified that yesterday. Of course it didn’t deter the guy one bit. So you get the point my day sucked.

Then as I am driving home, on possibly one of the worst streets through one of the worst neighborhoods in the city (or so I was told numerous times) all of a sudden there is all this noise from under my car. It sounds like kkkkkkrrrrrrrrkkksssshhhhhhhhhIAMFALLINGAPARTRIGHTTHISFUCKINGMINUTEPULLOVERDUMBASSrrrruuuushhhhhhchhhhchhk.

So I pulled off into a parking lot and got out of the car (now I am told this was a stupid move in this neighborhood but look at it from my prospective.) I’m from Baltimore they usually have one of if not the highest murder rates in the country. And now I’m in a nice Oklahoma town with a bunch of hicks, I don’t see getting out of the car in a questionable neighborhood a bad idea.

So I’m talking to my mom (who’s still in Maryland) when this starts I end the call with something like “cars going to explode, bad neighborhood, call later if still alive.” You have to love your kids people! So I get out and…….

I should probably mention that a while back my exhaust disconnected from my muffler and now my car sounds like a little Mexican race machine. It helps the image that it’s a Honda.

So, naturally the comics’ of the universe or the car gods or whatever was on duty yesterday decided to fuck with me. I get out and my muffler is hanging of the back of my car by a small metal hook.

It took like fifteen minutes and of course I was in a skirt and fancy shoes (and it was windy, Monroe moment anyone) but eventually I got it off the car completely. I didn’t get raped or pillaged but then again I probably scared anyone off who was thinking of it when they saw me beating the shit out of my car while screaming fuck in three different languages.

My muffler is now in my trunk.

SIDE NOTE: thanks to my favorite author Christopher Moore, I have come across this dating site. Although I don’t need their services right now the concept is awesome! But then again it involves zombies so why wouldn’t it be.

So I get home and the husbinator arrives from school (which btw he graduates after four long years in a couple weeks, so proud *wiping tear away*) and I am notified that we have dinner plans with two of the guys.

I get ready and when I come out of the bedroom the husbinator is all huffy and puffy and like “lets go now, we have to go to my sisters”

Back story here is one of his sisters (his twin to be exact) broke up with her asshole, Uhh I mean boyfriend lately and gave him thirty days to get out.

So what had happened was, the husbinators mother called flipping out telling him he needed to get over there ASAP that the asshole was giving his twin problems and wouldn’t leave blah blah blah. So we get there and the asshole hasn’t even been there, the twin is pissed we are there cause she doesn’t want drama (I know I was like no drama? You have met your family right!)

So we move the assholes shit to right outside the front door and he eventually shows up and starts hauling it away. Quietly I might add, and then the husbinators mother has to go outside get on her phone and start running her mouth about the asshole to anyone who will listen while he’s right in front of her. (She’s Mexican so half of it is in Spanish)

So we finally get crazy I mean my mother-in-law inside and she starts mouthing again the twin is in tears because of her so I was like “yo hommie step it back a notch and chillax” that went over real well and she got all “I’m the boss of everyone don’t tell me to chillax you twat” (I may be adlibbing here)

So at this point were both ready to go and I go in the bedroom to tell the twin bye, she has her cat Meowy (real name SATAN) in there and it starts hissing at me, due to my vet experiences (used to work with one) I slowly start to back out of the room so it will back off, and it fucking lunges at me. It attached itself to my leg and sunk its teeth in. I screamed like an idiot and flung it off my leg.

I’m leaving now and the twin goes “O poor Meowy” WTF “and she’s sick to, I hope she didn’t get hurt just now when you flung her” ß I’m assuming she meant ‘when she tried to amputate my leg’ here. So I find out Satan has been barfing non stop and has been having some other kitty medical issues, that haven’t been seen by a professional yet.

Great!

I think I have rabies.

If my posts start showing up all ahbgdjsbgfuysgfadhbfksdgfcsbhd….meow you know whats up.

~*~Toodles~*~

The Office Wenches Environment

2010-07-09T10:57:00.007-05:00

Hey there Friendlies,

I have been crazy busy lately and haven't had time to update. Although like a good little office wench I have been taking notes of random shit that I thought you may find interesting. Mostly some 'holy shit, I can't believe this kind of stuff actually happens to people in real life' deals. I will probably post some of them later, but right now reading through them, they are just not worth the time it will take to type. However Something I have been wanting to do for awhile now ever since I saw this at The Only Girl and this at Antsy Pants is take you on a tour of hell, or you know that place I spend most of my week. I figured since we are moving our office soon (like within the next month supposedly) which btw is a post unto itself and I'll fill you in later. I better do it now, while I have a free second (I was planning on spending this time peeing but you know how it is....priorities!). so without further ado or adon't.

I present

My office wenching environment. *applause*

(click image to enlarge and see details)

Here is my desk, and a Giant map of the world. Many hours have been wasted by myself and a few of the engineers planning our around the world in eighty days mental trip. (we work o so hard here) I would like to point out the box on my desk, it is wine there are about 14 other boxes like this one in my bosses office. We party hard!

Here we have my broke ass chair that I have fallen out of approximately five MILLION times, there is a fancy pancy headset that I never use. and you'll notice the dual screens on my desk. This is how much office wenching I do, one screen just wouldn't cut it. I would also like to draw your attention to the plastic tree by my desk, It hates me! Every time I walk past it falls towards me. I can be like five feet away and it tried to attack. I have a feeling it may get 'misplaced' during the move.

Below is what my desk really looks like most of the time. I took the above on a off day when my desk as 'clean'. I am normally lucky to have a place to sit, because I have so much crap going on.

Close up of where the magic happens, you will notice my mullet like screens (business on the right, party on the left.) O yea, there is a pear because I am like uber healthy and I was out of snickers and cake for breakfast. They are worried I will develop carpel tunnel and not be able to type like a furiously fast fasty typer lady that I am so they gave me a 'therapeutic keyboard'. My wrist twinges as I type!

Here is a close up of my desk drawer, If you are interested the heaters on the calendar are what we design/build. I know I know what a mess, my random office wench shit drawer needs to be cleaned, but I thought we were past that point in our friendship (you know, where I clean when you visit of offer you something to drink. Get you own beverage and move some shit and sit down) Now visitors if you look towards the right hand corner of the drawer you will notice the rubber band ball. I made this, it is 100% rubber bands (from the post office, every day he brings me one. Its kind of like marking the wall in a prison cell)

Yea, there really isn't an excuse for this mess. This is under my desk. It is clean now. There was recently an incident where A spider was hiding out in the wreckage under there. I couldn't find the little bastard so I cleaned all that shit up, now I'm all OCD about it.

This is my shelf of random shit, it has been here forever (before me) the company started in 1917 I think some of it may be that old. Anyway back to the tour, some points of interest are the ship, the Buddha and the snowman. Yea, I'm random in every aspect of my life. *side note: I totally just sneezed and forgot to cover my mouth, now my keyboard is tacky and smells like sneezes.*

I loath these next two rooms, the first is our conference room, each one of those binders is a job file book (shit I do) they normally have about 4 or 5 copies made and sent out. The shop never has their test reports or welding records like their supposed to, etc. etc. fuck me etc. There are two more walls of these books and four tall storage cabinets in the other room.

This is just one of two drawing rooms, there are drawings from the time the business started (1917) to about two years ago (2008) they are labeled incorrectly or not at all. It was once suggested that we scan all of the drawings (most tubes have about 30 drawings in them.) I did the math it would take me over four years if I worked on that exclusively and didn't take lunch or bathroom breaks at all. Yea, not cool!

And there you have it folks, my office. Exciting I know (I'll give you a minute to change your pants, surely their wet by now) This is where I grow old, I mean spend my days, and sometimes nights when I'm really busy.

Until next time boys and girls.

~*~Toodles~*~

Weird $hit

2010-06-17T08:33:00.003-05:00

I would like to start this post by telling you about the Zombie Spider living in my mailbox.

I have killed this little fucker approximately eight times recently, but it ALWAYS comes back. Surely by now it should be paying rent!

I have a thing about spiders, they creep me out not unlike that stray black squiggly hair on a bar of soap (especially when you live alone and you have umm well hard wood floors instead of carpet, and the hair on your head is blond) OR plungers and toilet scrubber brush thingies. I mean come on what the hell. it was just hanging in pooy water and then your just supposed to rinse it off and put it in the holder thingy they sell at walmart. NO. THANK. YOU.

I'm pretty sure I'm going crazy because of this little arachnifreak.

Anywhateverandsuch...

Last night after grabbing my new netflix DVD out of the mailbox and wiping off the pooy-webby crap the little bastard leaves behind, I saw it craw out from the back of the box. So utilizing netflix to my advantage I swiped it out onto the street and river danced on its face. Once the legs stopped twitching I was satisfied and went back inside to enjoy my home movie adventure.

This morning as I was backing out of my drive way I glanced at my mailbox as if to say 'don't worry I'll be checking you early today, it's Friday. Half day at work!!!' I noticed the spider hanging off the bottom of my mailbox. I'm pretty sure it was holding a cup of coffee, a cell phone, a mini news paper and flipping me off.

ITS ON, like donkey Kong!

This is kind of two posts in one, but this one is a little strange/sad so I thought Id cushion it with my zombie spider diaries.

My dear Sweet Readers.

I have ESPN, no wait MSNBC, no wait that's not it either CBS? ugh ok the thing is I kind of get these feelings, and sometimes if I'm unlucky enough even dreams. Hold on to your pants blogger friends I do not know the winning lottery numbers so don't ask. Although my mother (who is aware of this 'talent' i have) once had me go into a liquor store with her and pick out scratch off tickets for three hours. Every single one was at least a two dollar winner. (She has kind of a gambling issue)

So anyway, it works in kind of a completely unhelpful way. I very rarely get feelings related to good events/happenings although every so often I can tell you I am going to win something and I will. It's just this certainty I have. I'm also very good at knowing peoples names without them telling me. (I wish I could hone this better, or grow a beard on cue, I'd love to join a circus!)

More often then not, I can tell something bad is going to happen. This is the part that sucks pig nipples, I NEVER know what it is. I get the hollow empty sick feeling in what I am assuming is my soul but is more likely a kidney or spleen. The closer the event gets the worse I feel.

When my pop died, I was six. I came home from school sick with this feeling, an hour later we got the call he had been in a car accident. My Mommom munched it, I was home from work hiding in bed from the feeling. my sister-in-law told me she was pregnant, instantly sick. Less then a month later she was in a car accident and lost the baby. Its not always death though. Every time a boyfriend broke up with me, the night before I was haunted by the feeling. Sometimes the feelings save me, the Husbinator and I took a break for a few months during the first two years of our marriage. (This was not willingly on my part) but I had been having dreams for about two months and I had the feeling the night before. I spent so much time preparing when it happened I didn't feel as crushed as I should have. In fact I felt bad that I didn't feel worse.

Point of all that is this.

Wednesday I got the feeling in the morning, it got worse throughout the day. I must have called the husbinator like ten times a hour checking on him. I called my mom to non-chalantly ask about my father (I assumed the cancer was making a show of itself), About an hour before I got off work It got so bad I found myself praying to the porcelain gods waiting to throw-up.

When I finally got off work and peeled myself of the bathroom floor. I called my mother again. She didn't answer. I hung up and called back. Still. No. Answer. (She always has her phone glued to her head, I'm surprised she doesn't have brain damage, and she ALWAYS picks up the phone if its me. *her sweet baby angel living 1200 miles away*) After about a million tries I called my father, he picked up:

Me: *hysterical scream* "What's wrong"

Father: "Have you talked to your mother?"

Me: "No, what the hell's going on, she didn't answer!"

Father: "(One of my brothers) is taking her to the university hospital, (My sisters kid, my 15yr old nephew, Also my favorite of the eleven nieces and nephews I have.) was flown to shock trauma about an hour ago. That's all I know, Keep trying to call her."

See, are you following.....bad feeling=something bad like nephew almost dieing.

Eventually I talked to my sister. He was in a bad dirt bike accident. Some little fucker thought taking his helmet and riding off would be funny. So my nephew was left to ride home without a helmet. He was with his friend who was riding a ATV they were not racing they were going at an average speed down a dirt road heading home. The front wheel of the ATV clipped the back wheel of my nephews bike. My nephew flew over the handlebars and slide on his back across the road and under a chain link fence, where he got stuck. The dirt bike he was on followed him, slamming into his head. The friend with him, kept calm PICKED the fence up so my nephew could craw out and ripped his shirt off his own back to try to stop the bleeding from my nephews face, then he called 911 and then his father. (I will kiss him when I see him next)

They were not sure he was going to make it, The newspaper used the term 'life threatening injuries'. His whole face is basically one giant fracture. 30+ stitches in his face, staples up the back of his head. Two fractures on his forehead have bleeding behind it and an air pocket. Above and below his left eye is fractured so bad they are thinking about surgery because its pressing on his eye muscle. missing teeth. he's fucked up. and you know how I know he's ok, how I know I'm also his favorite???? He mentioned he got the injuries because I (who am 1200 miles away) beat the shit out of him. <---totally didn't but probably could.

My sister is showing her Italian, shes trying to find the little bastard who took his helmet. Then I'm pretty sure she is going to hire some giant teenager to beat him to mush. (I am in agreeance with this *totally leaning back at the poker table chewing the end of a cigar saying "get Tommy-boy he's a biggen and he owes us for the job we pulled a few months back to get him the answers on the math quiz.")

He has alot of CAT scans scheduled for the future, but it looks like he will be ok. He's going to have some gnarly scars though.

So I guess I'm going to go get a lottery ticket.

~*~Toodles~*~

Is that ........butt...... I smell??

2010-06-08T09:54:00.004-05:00

I'm laying on the bed in a nightie, watching the Notebook on the laptop. The Husbinator comes tip-toeing through the bedroom door, hands behind his back. He reaches the bed right as Noah and Ally start a hot make out session on the screen. He gazes into my eyes and removes one hand from behind his back handing me a long stemmed red rose. As I smell the rose he closes the laptop and removes it from the bed. After crawling towards me he starts kissing his way down my
...
WAIT
...
WAIT
...
WAIT
...
That's not what happened.

O yea now I remember (the sharpie sniffing must be messing with the memory squish in my brain)

I'm laying on the bed in a holey t-shirt and boxers watching the end of Never Back Down on the laptop. The husbinator comes barging in the bedroom complaining about some guy he was playing with on the PS3 network online. He flops on the bed right as guy1 starts beating the shit out of guy2 on the screen. We finish the movie. It was pretty good but then again we spend a least one Saturday a month at Buffalo Wild Wings watching UFC so what do you expect. The husbinator starts to get up and In true to me fashion I pounce. He taps out of the Rear naked choke I had him in (I know I was totally stoked to, Me: 5'2" him: 6'4" and I, read it IIIIII made him tap out.) so naturally now we were in the mood (don't be all judgey, you know you would be to) so hes kneeling over me and starts kissing my neck (TIME OUT: note to you perves reading this, We have a stand up tower fan that blows air at the foot of the bed, I like sub-Arctic temperatures when I sleep. O yea and were naked at this point) to hes kissing and nibbling and I'm giggling and then........I breath in right as a gust of fan air hits my beautiful little nostrils. Have you ever sat next to the dirty kid on the school bus? You know the one that smells like three day old butt, yea well.... So the smell goes away and I'm thinking my nose is just fucking with me when I get assaulted by another hit of assey badness. It doesn't go away. I giggle like a dolt and then blurt out :

Me: Ummm, do you smell butt?
Husbinator: *looks startled and then leans down and sniffs* Oh Gawd! *bolts to the bathroom and I hear the shower running*

We so totally did it after his shower. I will not be deterred by a smell (If it can be fixed)

Anyway Yesterday (The day after the butt smell incident) I was sitting at my desk and I kept smelling something fun-ky but I couldn't find the culprit, so I got to thinking about the night before and to be honest I was a little perturbed.

After a ten minute think about the gross husbinator, a co-worker comes up and goes "hmmm, it smelled like feet in here for a minute, but now its gone." and he walked of.

As soon as he was gone, I slithered under my desk and popped off a shoesie. Sure enough It smelled like a week old skinned cat was living in my heels. I shoved my shoes into the darkest deepest corner of my office and went commando feet the rest of the day.

So kiddies moral of the story: Well I really don't have one, maybe its we all stink, or perhaps its don't make fun of others. Actually I think its wash your dirty ass and make sure your heels don't stink before leaving the house.

~*~ Toodles ~*~

Feet Smell

Yes I am really a man in his sixties, but I've had some work done.

2010-05-28T10:41:00.006-05:00

So I have two bosses, the president of the company I work for and the owner, both of whom consider me their personal office wench.

Aside from the Gift shopping and important Holiday/Birthday reminders I take care of for President so his wife doesn't think he's useless he is pretty self-sufficient. Owner man on the other hand can't even make his own Dr. appts. I sign his name more then he does and sometimes if I'm lucky enough I even forget and sub his SSN for mine when talking to bill collectors. (They probably think I'm a con artist with a bad memory "phst, bitch can't even remember who shes pretending to be")

I've had a couple interesting situations with Owner Man, such as divorcing his crazy ex-wife who now lives with him (She answered the door at his house two days ago, she was three pounds into the eyeliner she was applying on the right side of her face only.)

Now the other day he (and by he I mean I) received a notice from a collection agency saying he owed like 93 bucks to a cell phone company. This would be literally pocket change to the man but he still made a huge deal out of it saying he never had a such and such cell phone and they were obviously trying to ass rape him with their financial trickery. Seeing as how I've been taking care of the man for a couple years now and I know his cell phone is set up and paid through the company I believe him (not suggested in any situation).

The solution to this would of course be to call said collection agency, but they won't just talk to anyone, they want the account holder. Luckily Owner man has one of those names that go both ways and in fact leans more towards to feminine side of the gender bar so pretending to be him works out. I'm used to this by now, in fact I'm pretty sure half the world thinks hes a chick by now. Funny thing though I get through the 'I'm not really a man' thingy with no issues, but when they ask me to verify my birthday and I say 1947 instead of my actual late eighties time frame they pause/stutter/and are convinced I'm trying to scam them (rightfully so).

So I call said collection agency and pretend to be Owner man. Of course I do the shake-it-out routine first followed by a joggy run in place and multiple dialog warm up before I call. Once I am prepared *totally pissed due to their trying to ass rape me and all* I make the call.

Collections rep guy: thank you for calling so and so, can I have the account number listed under your name on your statement please? (the general good mood-jude attitude of this guy, makes my character even more pissed, I mean really hes so happy about the coming bum rape session!.)

Me: Yea sure its blank blank blank blankity blank blank, I received this notice *sneery voice* in the mail today saying I owe you 93 dollars on behalf of your client such and such. I do not and never had any kind of service from such and such. I would like you to fix this. *foot tapping* (although the rep guy cannot see the foot tapping it is a good creative exercise, go ahead I give you permission give it a try next time you do this, I mean you guys do do this sort of thing right?! *nervous smile* Its totally normal and not illegal right?!)

Collections rep guy: Well Ms. Owner man according to these records you owe such and such 74 dollars and there is of course the 19 dollar collection fee from our company.

Me: Well as I have previously stated *long pause to make him know I think hes stupid for making me repeat it* I do not and never had service through such and such, The company I own *totally puffing up my pretend ego and making him know I mean busy-ness* provides my cell phone so I would have no reason to pay for one.

Collections rep guy: Well Ms. Owner man we could send you an itemized statement by post for you to look over and if you still believe it is incorrect you can contact us and dispute the charges.

Me: It. Is. Not. Me. dammit.

*Silence* (I imagine he has the mute button on his mic turned on and is calling me multiple names, at least I would be)

Me: Do you think you could be helpful and at least tell me some information from the account.
Collections rep guy: The account was opened in 1995 and the last payment was made on April 6th 2001.

*long pause* (my brain hamster starts running on his wheel and I realize the Owner man probably forgot, you know with him being ancient and his brain being the consistency of cream of wheat ((don't you totally love that stuff, Delicious)) and all.)

Me: hmmm, well it may have been mine you better send me that Itemized statement.

Collection Rep Guy: Ummm, OK I will get that out in the mail to you *sounding a little unsure of my sanity*

Me: Oh you know how it is, my memory seems to be going the older I get, you know us old women.

Collections Rep Guy: Well you sound really young Ms. Owner man.

Me: Thank you I’ve had some work done.

Collections Rep Guy: *clearing throat* Ummmm, so yea I’ll get that statement sent out right away.

And there is my creative exercise for today!

*In case there is any confusion I am not in actuality a man in his sixties *sticks hand down her pants* yea, thats definatly a Vadge (could somone check the spelling on that)

~*~Toodles~*~

Weekly recap: I call my snake George / Lady bits from the year of our lord 1532 / men in tights doing splits

2010-05-21T11:36:00.004-05:00

Weekly recap!!!! Ok there's really only two days that were exciting so its more like a quarter weekly recap. But still worth a read.

Thursday:

Kayso the new pup is still driving me fucking insane with this whining shit, and of course the husbnator has not keep up with his part of the bargain (thus being him taking care of her and letting her out in the morning.) So being the best, most loving, beautiful, piled with awesomeness wife that I am (and the fact that he shoves me out of bed and growls 'get the dog') it has been up to me to take her out at dark' thirty almost every morning. Now don't get me all wrong there has been the rare occasion where he took care of this, but last Thursday was not one of them.

So after being violently shoved out of bed and growled at YET AGAIN, I grab my robe which was laying on the floor next to the bed (remember this it is important) I go let the whiny bastard out then have a sit down and read for a bit before work. When I finally decide I should get dressed for work the husbnator is already gone and I am alone with the dogs, hamster and fish. I make my way into the bedroom and notice I've strewn a bra on the floor (this is about a foot away from where the robe I am wearing at this point was this morning) so I pick up the bra . . . and . . . annnnnd . . . ANNNNND a fucking snake slithers out towards me. So I do the logical thing and scream. Once I'm done I grab a cup and put the snake in it. How did it fit you ask, It was a baby garter snake and only about 7 or 8 inches long. It was kind of cute actually so I put a lid (complete with breathing holes) on the cup and started calling him George.

Now don't get me wrong I totally had the 'if its a baby where are its brothers and sisters or worse its MOTHER at?' freak out, but then I got over it and went to work. I took George with me because I was planning on letting him go and wanted it to be far away from my house. At first I was planning Victoria Secret based on where I found him, but figured since I'm finally allowed back in the mall I didn't want to chance it so I settled on the field by my office.

So there is this guy I work with who is afraid of snakes, and of course being the special person that I am I wanted to show him what I had found. I met him outside of his office lifted the clear cup up so he had a GREAT view *Insert screams equivalent of a seven year old child instead of a thirty-six year old man here* once he got done with his scream-fest he ran into his office, slammed and locked the door (cause we all know how crafty those snakes are with door knobs, wouldn't want him getting in.)

Anyway I let George go to a nice little field by my work full of (I am assuming here) field mice. Eventually later in the afternoon my co-worked finally emerged from his office, a little shaky and hoarse from the screaming but no worse for the wear.

Saturday:

I went to the Renaissance festival with the husbnator (he went of his own free will people.) Had tons of fun met an awesome couple who were acrobats (think Gypsy carny folk moving from town to town eating fire, yea they were that cool) I want to be a Gypsy Acrobat.

I got to see tons of old people with their man flab hanging out of period garb and lady bits being squeezed out of corsets (a few less pounds and next year that will be me barely breathing behind fabric and metal.) I thoroughly enjoyed it though. I am addicted to period clothing/re-enacting (you should have seen me in London, I was a second away from geeing all over myself almost the whole time.)

After the fair I went with my oldest sister-in-law to dinner and to see Carmina Burana at the performing arts center. Somehow she managed to score literally the best seats in the house for frizee. This was not my first ballet and I'm sure you figured out how high up I am on the nerd-alert meter by now so naturally I loved it. My sister-in-law on the other hand, we were popping her ballet cherry and I thought she was going into a coma based on the amount of drool she was exuding. She did however perk up once the male dancers came out topless in all their muscular glory. I think I still have a bruise from her elbowing me. I must say one of them was very well ummm gifted in the tight area if you catch my drift (In case my drift escapes you fine fellows I meant 'he had a raging huge cock'). If you are a fan of the performing arts I highly recommend going to see Carmina Burana, hey you might even be lucky and see a well hung dancer!

The rest of my week was pretty repetitive and boring except for when my vacuum blew up do to over exposure to my hair. A hour later, a inch thick layer of vacuum dust/gross particles and two Walmart sacks full of hair the husbnator had it fixed.

On a completely different side note. I think I may have mentally/verbally (to the ballet loving sister-in-law) committed myself to getting a Brazilian wax. When this happens you will most definitely hear some things you could probably due without.

Till later hommies.

Toodles!

Hey Bitches, Time to update this Shit! Nazi Generals, Dead geniuses, and Cancer (not the horoscopy kind)

2010-05-18T16:37:00.006-05:00

Yes it would have been possible to cram a little more profanity into the title of this blog.

I am a procrastinator (Somewhat like the terminator, only I kill time) this is why it takes me so long to update this damn thing.

Anywhateverandsuch, here is a rundown of some recent events (I probably forgot some shit, but its been a long day and I've had almost no sleep so shut up)

1. I joined a gym *quite murmurs and gasps from the audience* yea I know, where did that come from?

{unrelated (to a extent) side note: conversation between me and the husbinator (I am so over using 'ator' today) last night:
Me: *looking up from random (nothing to do with this) book* I'm kind of like a Elephant.
Husbinator: *eyebrow raised* your not fat!
Me: That's not what I meant.
Husbinator: *look of complete understanding* O you mean how you never forget?
Me: Yea, well that to, but in this case I was referring to the fact that I would whore myself out for a peanut right about now *nonchalant shrug*
Husbinator: *eyebrow back up on forehead* sometimes I wonder about you.}

BACK TO 1. So this gym thing, I joined, I got a cool T-shirt (They gave me the option of Fuck Me Fuchsia, Pimping Purple, or Black. I went with black, totally coordinating with my soul and all) They also (Out of the kindness of their retched little hearts) gave me a couple training sessions with a 'personal fitness expert' her name was Julie.

At first glance you get the impression that Julie will need to run out on you early to check her Facebook, do her homework, cheerlead (or participate in one of Satan's other supported sports) She weighs about 110 on a red meat filled day while wearing a fireman suite that has been soaked in jello. AND she has a cute giggle, I mean really what kind of hard ass fitness expert has a cute giggle?! I'll tell you who....Julie (The Nazi General trained in torture) does I'm pretty sure someone I pissed of in a previous life hired her to take me out. She almost did, but I was strong I tell you! I didn't even cry until I got in my car and tried to shift it into reverse. I drove home in third gear because pushing the clutch and shifting the shifty knob thingy while watching the road (give me a break even my eyeball muscles were on fire) just took to much effort.

So I'm getting better at the not sobbing hysterically from pain at the gym thing, but I still tend to go at odd hours just to avoid 'Julie' and her cute giggle and pliers she keeps on hand to cut off toes to those who wont give her 'one more rep'.

2. To soften the childless due to PCOS/uterine and vag suckage (google it if your curious) thing we have going we adopted another dog, from a family acquaintance (unlike the husbinator and his immediate family, just because I know you doesn't mean I consider you my friend, especially if you suck) Due to the general suckage of the person we were forced to take the puppy early (she's five weeks old, and to make things better in order to 'wean' her the acquaintance was feeding her cheerios and cow milk, yes you heard that right people who know what the fuck is up, for those of you who don't a lesson (write this down) milk gives dogs/puppies very bad problems with their tums and horrible diarrhea) So now I have had a total of like 3 hours sleep in the last four days thanks to the constant where the fuck am I/who are you bastards/Where is the bitch with the cheerios whining from said puppy (Since Abe is crate trained we are trying to break her in early to, this results in more whining while were at work, so much so in fact I'm waiting on the police squad to show up in their black uniforms with glass topped shields and batons, demanding we release the prisoners we have in the basement with bamboo splints under their finger nails, courtesy of our neighbors calling them out of concern for the screaming). I am on constant Whats wrong with it/is it shitting somewhere paranoid watch.

Pet update: we have a hoard of dead geniuses in our living room, We have Abraham (currently the dog not the president), Tesla (currently the dog not the inventor), Johann (currently the fish not the composer, and Houdini (currently the hamster not the illusionist) although Houdini has managed to escape quite a few times (how he gets his fat ass out is beyond me, good news is he has a lot of fluff/fat to land on when falling out of his house/off the filing cabinet in my office.)

3. My father figure guy back on the east coast found out he has cancer. Squamous Cell Carcinoma to be exact. He's freaked, Mother's freaked, I'm kind of freaked (It would probably be worse if I wasn't emotionally challenged as the husbinator says) Don't really have much to update on this matter except they are planning on doing some Radiation and Chemo. The father figure has spent his days telling everyone he is cashing in his chips, and his nights drunk (this is the norm) calling me telling me to come across the continent and get the shit hes leaving me. I have told my father I love him approximately three times this year, the first his response was 'thank you', the second it was 'enjoy your dinner', and the third it was 'call your mother tomorrow'. This last one was right before he was admitted for a scheduled high risk surgery. I wonder where I get my lack of mushy gushy emotional skills from.

Well this is running a little long and its time to leave the 8th circle of hell (work) for the day.

later peeps (yea, I used that)

Knocked.....Down

2010-03-17T09:21:00.004-05:00

My husband and I have been together for seven years. We have been having sex for seven years, on an almost daily bases. four of those years have been unprotected bonking. I'm not pregnant, and I don't have any kids. It seems I cannot get pregnant. At first it wasn't a big deal we were younger and really only thought about not having to use condoms assuming it would happen eventually. It didn't! We really starting wanting to get pregnant about a year and a half ago. plenty of doctors visits in between we have decided if I did get pregnant it would be after hundreds of dollars in infertility treatment.

Last night my sister-in-law who is younger, in a very unstable relationship and neither her nor her boyfriend work called to tell me she is pregnant AGAIN. It is so unfair. We have good stable jobs, we have been married for five years, we have a house with an extra room just waiting for a baby. Why can she and every other little teenage girl out there get knocked up but I can't. I mean really I know people who can get pregnant just by saying the word fuck.

My husband loves kids and whenever there is a baby or child around he always ends up playing with them. I know he wants a baby as bad as I do, but what if that can never happen from my end? Is that reason enough to end us? He says its not but I have my doubts.

I feel like a failure, my baby baking bits are not working right. Its like a easy bake oven without a light bulb (Yea, I totally pulled out a metaphor) My husband says don't worry about it we are still young and it will happen eventually. He doesn't understand its not his problem that is keeping us from doing it, its mine. If I just knew that one day I would get pregnant and have a baby I wouldn't worry about it. But I don't for all I know it will never happen. And that is what eats at me the most, not knowing!

Cleaning up Coffee Spooge ick

2010-02-09T10:03:00.007-06:00

Again with the fucking coffee?! I know this is a common bitching ground for me, but really the coffee is my arch-nemesis! I swear it is, sometimes I come in and its just glaring at me. why just the other day I swear to you i heard it fucking snicker!

I missed work yesterday, Usually I turn off the coffee pots and clean up even though I don't drink coffee (since no one else is willing to put forth the effort, if I don't do it they will just leave them there) as a example yesterday the industrial sized coffee pots were left on to boil all night. Leaving a nice big mess that it took me an hour to clean up this morning. While cleaning up the boss man comes in and asks what happened (because its not obvious or anything) He then goes, "see how important you are". Yes thank you, my importance is dependent upon the coffee pot, that got me brooding:

I used to have a job that meant something, I used to help people. I can't even explain the rush I would get when I would do something that changed someones life for the better, when they were hugging me and crying thanking me for the great job I had done.

I walked out of that job because the woman I worked with was bat shit crazy and I couldn't stand her any more.

Now I have a job working with people I really like, I get paid a couple dollars more an hour, and I can take off or call in without getting in trouble. Sounds like I should be really happy right? Don't get me wrong I love my job and AM happy, but I just feel like something is missing.

I miss at least one day a month, taking off or calling in. I can come to work 30 minutes late everyday and no one notices or cares. This would be ideal for some people, but it bothers me. I do not like not going to work it makes me feel like a slacker but still I stay home.

I don't know what to do.

I know what I want to do with my life career-wise, it will just take a lot of hard work and effort (lately these two things have been all ninja and disapeared on my ass), I can't seem to just sit down, shut up and start. I need a burst of obedience to get me going. Maybe I will start tonight. Probably not.

Lately my reading problem has gotten worse. I cleared 54 books last year and am well into 15 this year and were only 40 days into 2010. When i get a free minute and should be doing chores at home or working towards my goal. I find myself reading. It's always I'll start/finish after this book. (But really who wants to be stuck in the real world when you can live in a book)

I need to go to book readers anonymous or something.

*Sigh*

We'll I need to get back to work. hanging out on the bottom of the totem pole of the work world for another day. We will see what tomorrow brings.

~*~Toodles~*~

Fricken Douche Berries :o/

2010-01-26T16:59:00.006-06:00

Today someone said I get paid to make the coffee, this is not the case. I do far more than 'make the coffee' I don't even drink the fecking coffee. I'm a Earl Grey kind of girl. but still case in point no matter how hard I work or how good of a job I do, It doesn't matter if a hundreds of thousands dollar invoice gets paid because of the work I do or if I throw in extra hours when others aren't willing. i will always be a couple steps below everyone else. Even if not in work ethic when it comes to job labels I am.

This is incredibly annoying. I try to not let it get to me, after all being bitter does not help anything and I don't plan on being here forever (famous last words anyone?) but when 'john' asks 'jane' for her input and opinion into OUR project, a project 'jane' knows absolutely nothing about and her opinion out weighs mine even though shes arguing with me. WTF her particular job title is above mine in the grand scheme of things but she works in a different department she has no clue what we are doing let alone how it should be done. You can't help but feel deflated a little. ok lets face it I wanted to throw the stapler at her face! But still you get the point.

Sometimes i just want to walk out. Not as in a 'so they can see how much they need me kind of way' don't get me wrong I know everyone is replaceable. It's not like that, its just sometimes its really hard to bite my tounge and look the other way. In my experience there's someone like this no matter where you work and I'm sure I annoy the hell out of one or two people myself.

Awaiting Adventure!

2010-01-21T13:28:00.002-06:00

It one of those days, One of the ones where I know I'm meant for something more, something bigger than Cinderella detail and office wenching. i know my adventure is out there waiting for me. I just hope its patient and doesn't go wandering off without me.

There is some great adventure out there waiting for me to be the heroine of, Something ancient and dark to fight. Someone to be my protector when I do something stupid, someone other men fear and other women desire. He's waiting for me to realize my destiny. To wake up and fight. Tall, darkly erotic and painfully handsome we would die for each other.

I will get there one day, no doubt in a kick-ass car. I believe it will be somewhere old and rich in history; Europe most likely (England was lovely but I long to go to Ireland and Scotland).

I will be feared, I will be hated, I will be loved. I will be strong. I will be unstoppable. I will save the world.

But for now I will be the one to refill the coffee pot *sigh* I'll be back.

Window Licking Work colleagues

2010-01-20T11:39:00.005-06:00

It's official I work with complete turtle lickers.

I mean really how the feck are you going to come to my desk and be irate with me when you were the dumb ass who couldn't even extend the effort it takes to open the zip file and check to make sure the documents are there before you get your tampon in a twist. Do I really even have to do that for you? Should i follow you around from now on, god forbid you have to take a shit and no one is there to wipe your ass for you! How ever will you function!

While I'm on the subject of work Colleagues, who is fecking stupid enough to look at someone clearly noticing the fact that this person cannot even set a pen on her desk because it is to full of shit to do and say "I need you to do something for me, call this list of people and ask for a W-9." because obviously I'm not busy or anything -you didn't have to interrupt my furiously fast typing or the business call I was on to ask this question or anything.
I would like to bring to your attention that this is in no way something that would fall under my job responsibilities *completely frigging different department* and then, when I realize the 'list of people' is really four fecking pages long and i come to tell you I really don't have time, does it have to be done now or can i do it ON MY LUNCH, I notice you are online playing a fecking game! while talking to you kids on your cell. YES now it makes perfect sense we wouldn't want to interrupt your personal shit for business its not like your at work or anything. Make your own fecking calls!

Welcome to the Freak Show!

2009-12-23T13:28:00.009-06:00

I've been thinking about a blog for some time now.

Everyone needs an outlet, today this will be mine, I will tell my invisible audience a little about myself; we will see how it goes. Maybe I'll come back for more tomorrow.

This will most likely involve some ranting and raving on my part. After all who doesn't want to publicly display all the horrible thoughts you think of others without actually having to deal with the consequences. I will change the names of my victims to protect anonymity (It would also serve to protect their dignity if of course anyone I happen to write about posses any, which is doubtful!)

I will get you started with a few random tidbits, I'm a chick, I'm blond (At some point this will probably explain a few things), I drive like I'm a blond chick :o), I'm Married (no kids), and I'm in my twenties! The rest I'll let you figure out.

~*~Toodles for now~*~

A Life For Rent . . .

Tourniquet

My Brand of Heroin.....verses my brothers brand

I Will Probably Resemble a Zombie on Friday

Chocolatey Burps Make it Better.

You'll Pay Me How Much! For Doing What!

Run, Fat Girl, Run!

The Hamster that was

August, oh August........

Superstitions or cautious truths?

It's Been a While

When the bump turned into a baby

Bumpdate the sequel

Bumpdate

The Hamster Whisperer.......

Shit she's alive!!!!

Eleven Weddings, a Escapee Hamster!, and lets not forget the drug addicted dog.

More Random Adventures of the Office Wench

Underpants, Snot, Scott Peterson and Poo...What more could you want on a friday morning!

Uterus say what??

Impaired Mental Health Day

damn cutlery of life

Eat your heart out Jean-Claude

After my car tried to kill me I was attacked by a pussy.......cat

The Office Wenches Environment

Weird $hit

Is that ........butt...... I smell??

Yes I am really a man in his sixties, but I've had some work done.

Weekly recap: I call my snake George / Lady bits from the year of our lord 1532 / men in tights doing splits

Hey Bitches, Time to update this Shit! Nazi Generals, Dead geniuses, and Cancer (not the horoscopy kind)

Knocked.....Down

Cleaning up Coffee Spooge *ick*

Fricken Douche Berries :o/

Awaiting Adventure!

Window Licking Work colleagues

Welcome to the Freak Show!

Cleaning up Coffee Spooge ick